In my opinion

by bill johnston

Michty its hard tae tak tent o e fac aat here w are heidin wir wye tae the eyn o September already, A wyte A jist dinna ken far es ‘eer his gaen til?

Noo A’m gyaun tae stairt mi screevins es month b spikkin aboot tatties!? Aat made ye aa sit up noo didn’t it, A’m sheer yer aa sayin fit on earth wye wid aat aal mannie wint tae spik aboot tatties for?

The rizzon is verra simple - es modern-day tatties aat wir bein selt are, ti pit it mildly, barely edible! A fite, weet n taseless lump o wax, in fac A’m sheer if ye threeded a wick throu ane it wid burn jist like a canle!

Fit’s happened til wir Golden Wonders, wir Duke o’ Yorks, wir Kerr’s Pinks, plus mony, mony ither anes - aa fine dry, mealie, tasty tatties aat waur a meal bi themsels?

A bocht a bag o tatties the ither day here, specially selected Scottish Tatties it said on e bag, n so a makin wis duly cleaned for wir denner aat nicht - A fair lookit forrit t’lt - mince n tatties!

Gyad-sakes! Oh there wis naethin wrang wi e mince A hasten ti add, bit e tatties wis disgustin, a fite weet splodge o wax.

So e followin day e Wife says “Fit if A mak a pot o stovies, e tatties micht be aricht if A dae aat”?

So e stovies waur duly made bit sadly the tatties waur still jist as weet - certainly a thochtie tastier bit only becis o e bittie o fine beef n e gravy. Anither denner fair spilet!

E Wife pit on her thinkin cap n so e followin day she said, “Richt, fit aboot a baked tattie wi some grated cheese ower’t”? E tattie on e plate wis sat in front o m, wi great anticipation A cut it in haaf, a cloud o stem yoamed oot as A scattered some grated cheese intil its intimmers. Wis e tattie ony better? Gyad-sakes, na, na, it wis jist as weet!

Then last nicht here e Wife said, “I’ll gie them anither try - I’ll mak some chips wi them”. So e chips waur duly made n alang wi them w hid saasages which waur afa fine. Fit aboot e chips?

Weel oot o aa the different attempts ti mak ess tatties edible e chips waur a thochtie better, bit eyven they waur still weet, waxy n gey tasteless!

Noo e tatties n e chips aat w hidna aeten A put them oot til e hens n ye ken, they warna aa that taen wi them either!

A saa in e papers the ither day here aat e Scottish tattie growers are complainin becis e sale o tatties is gyaun doon?

Daur A suggeest til them aat they forget aboot growin aat inedible lumps o fite wax n ging back ti growin e kyn o tatties aat fouk like n wint - the Kerr’s Pinks, the Duke o’ Yorks, n aa that ither weel kent n dacent tastin tatties.

N finally, here at Mossies es ‘eer oor gairdin his bin a bit o a disaster area, nae becis o e weet, nae becis o weeds, bit becis o RUBBITS! Wiv bin ower-run wi them es ‘eer, they hiv fair decimated m roses asweel as mony ither o wir flooers.

Gyaun oot wi e gun is a waste o time becis ye only get ae rubbit if yer lucky, the rest of coorse aa disappear!

Hooiver, A meentioned wir problem til mi aal freen Bob Davis fa A’m sheer ye aa ken, n he suggeestit soakin bittie’s o cloots in raw Jeyes Fluid n pitten them in an aal plastic food containers wi holes bored roon their sides n placin them in yer rose beds n flooer beds, etc. A did that a wik ago, n ye ken, A hivna seen a rubbit in mi gairdin since!